Imperfect

This has also been published on the Common Ground Meditation Center's Blog
http://blog.commongroundmeditation.org/reflection/the-imperfect-meditator-sound-familiar/

A couple of weeks ago during a weekly practice group, a woman shared that she is having a difficult time meditating recently. “I keep looking at my watch,” she said.

Her comment resonated with me. Except that I don’t just start looking at my watch. I stop meditating altogether. It used to bother me. As soon I develop a meditation routine, as soon as it has a rhythm, it gets derailed. It’s so irritating. I used to be outright furious at my failure to maintain a good meditation practice. Now I just accept it. Mark (Mark Nunberg of Common Ground Meditation Center) always reminds us during guided meditation that “it’s OK to start again.” It’s always OK to start the practice again.

It’s actually useful that my practice gets periodically derailed. Sometimes, it’s a sign that I’ve folded it too neatly into my life – it becomes too compartmentalized. I don’t really look at the intention anymore. I’m checking meditation off the list. And at other times, it’s simply that the best I can do is a few moments of reflection or some writing. At these times, what’s difficult is to acknowledge my limits-- to be OK with my quintessential imperfection.

Whenever I reproach myself for not meditating, not meditating enough, not meditating well enough, whenever I tell myself that I should, that I’m somehow failing, I try to look at the person who is wagging her finger and the person who finds clarity so difficult. What I find is very little compassion and much hardness. Staying with that hardness is what makes sense at these moments – using mindfulness as a universal solvent, as Mark once described it.

When I return to meditation, it’s rarely in the prodigal son (or daughter in my case) type of a way. It’s simply that I stumble upon the realization that it’s about things as they are and the desire to see things clearly. I actually want to meditate because I’m genuinely interested. And, secretly, I’m always relieved when I feel that way.

Of course, the question is, how do I maintain continuity in my practice through these ups and downs, how do I deepen my practice and how do I keep from rationalizing unskillful behavior as simply good-for-me-within-my-limits? What’s the balance between making myself meditate come hell or high water and allowing my meditation practice to evolve naturally?

For me, it’s about an intention. I have a deep intention to achieve non-attachment. This intention, however, is buried under layers and layers of humanness. I know I can’t just bulldoze my way through. I have work to do so on all levels of my being and sometimes what I need to focus on is something closer to the surface.

I do recognize, even during times of outright aversion to meditation, that meditation is good for me. And I do make myself maintain some continuity. One of them is coming to Common Ground. Sometimes, that’s all I ask of myself. I just ask myself to show up and ask myself to do whatever it is I’m capable of at that time. It makes sense.

Life After Retreat

Imagine laying in a forest, bathed by the fourth-dimensional serenity of nature and sunlight playing across the landscape. And, suddenly, a wormhole opens and you are thrust onto the middle of a freeway junction with cars zigzagging in every direction. Oh, and you are driving. At 70 mph. And you need to merge across four lanes of traffic right now.

That’s what my transition from a meditation retreat to life feels like.

When I came back from the last retreat, I was steeped in tranquility, protected by its invisible cloak and I had a new intention to add more tranquility to the recipe of my life. I was determined not to get hooked again by the fragmented nature of life. I spent most of my first evening back sitting and allowing thoughts and feelings to just come up. I did not check my email. I did not check my phone.

My first day back, I felt calm right in the middle of life’s freeway. Being mindful and present came effortlessly and so elegantly. I set aside thoughts and plans about all my aspirations and desires, thoughts that normally occupy my consciousness on a permanent basis. I just was. And I was determined to hold on to my inner calm. And I held on, determined not to let it slip through my fingers. I had a good grip. I was doing great. And yet, I was beginning to feel somewhat unsettled, listless and anxious. In my newfound benevolence toward myself, I welcomed these feelings – with just a pinch of resentment.

It wasn’t until perhaps the third day that I noticed that I was not tranquil at all. In fact, I was tense, tight and nervous. No, no, no, wrong, all wrong, I’m to be tranquil, not tense, I’m doing it all wrong. I found myself pining for the protective oasis of calm and I suddenly noticed that my tranquility had morphed into judgmental policing false tranquility. I was wielding a club to beat back life trying to take my tranquility away.

I relaxed my grip and I let my false tranquility go. I smiled at my misguided nature. I was back in life.

It’s not about holding on to the old tranquility. It’s about finding a new tranquility in the now. It’s also about practicing tranquility and – for me – about developing new habits. I’m starting by learning not to fill up every inch of in-between time with distractions – the odd three or six minutes here and there, the waiting time. A few weeks ago, I would have seen that time as a perfect space for texting, writing something down, checking my wallet for quarters, reading half a page or checking how many more pages till the end of the chapter, running through one of the myriad checklists in my head or just impatiently pacing back and forth. Now, I try to remember, this is a perfect little easy window for a bit of tranquility practice. A few breaths, opening to the moment, a bit of metta, just a little tranquility exercise. With no grand expectations and no need to get my fingers ready to grip.

Moment of Tranquility

This has also been published on the Common Ground Meditation Center's Blog
http://blog.commongroundmeditation.org/reflection/the-extraordinary-ordinary/

When my sister and I were growing up, we started to catalogue Dad’s various idiosyncratic sayings. Some were out of context, some were hilarious and some were actually profound as in, “Life is made up of moments.”

Life is full of moments, little tidbits of time. Most of the time, we seem to be too distracted to notice but sometimes we do. Last Saturday, I noticed.

I was at the LRT station waiting for a train. I arrived too early and had ten minutes to spare. Somehow, I did not feel like playing with my phone and I had nothing to read. So I just decided to … be. And I just was. At one with the extraordinary nature of the ordinary.

It was a very gray day, exactly what I do not like. I find beauty in expansive skies, in clouds, in bitterly cold moon-illuminated dark evenings, many different seasons, many different patterns but not this – the low cloud deck and grayness permeating the very air we breathe. I often consign days like that to “lost time” – time to check out of life, to do unimportant tasks that must be done. Beautiful days I honor with attention but ugly ones I tolerate at best. And there was very little physical beauty – no nature, no architecture, no art. As I stood there on the platform, watching the cars zigzag on various levels and listening to the grinding, I saw beyond the beauty or the ugliness of the scene, into some quintessential goodness that underlies it all. My mind was completely still, I was tranquil and at one with the moment and it was so ordinary. Nothing uplifting, nothing inspiring but yet deeply peaceful, beyond anything I’d been able to achieve in formal meditation. Slowly, I caught my mind noticing the transcendence of the moment. And I actually witnessed my mind recognizing that this moment, this mindful attention was beyond anything I could experience with thought. And then came the scorpion and the frog moment and my mind said, yes, this is beyond anything I could experience and this is really beautiful but I just can’t help myself and I must think although I know it will not make me happy. Strangely enough, I was OK with that because I know that it’s my mind’s nature to want to think.

I was grateful for the moment of tranquility. The moment lasted just a few minutes. I have since spent hours thinking about it. At first, I started to look for that moment to color the rest of my day, wanting the day to be extra-uplifting. Then, I spent some time feeling quite self-satisfied with all my spiritual progress – I’ve really got this tranquility thing down. And then I spent hours reflecting and analyzing the moment and how I got there. This is pretty hilarious considering that my childhood seems to have been full of extraordinary ordinary moments like that. I just did not know they were special. Or worthy of an essay.